My laptop's been down for about a week now, I'm currently writing this on a Chromebook I found in my house. It's about a couple years old, the computer is a bit janky and reminds me of laptops I used when I was in high school (right down to the gritty webcam...) but I am thankful that I'm not typing on a tablet because that shit is difficult. I'm still struggling with the aftermath of a few private events that happened toward the end of April - beginning of this month. It was literal non stop traumatic overload for a while and my brain is foggy from it all. I have felt quite alone during this time, despite knowing that I'm not alone. That part has been really scary. 

I know that I've gone through a lot, but the private details of what's gone on have been really difficult to grapple, even given the past situations I've been in. I'm trying my best to come out of the other side of this, and I'm trying to make sure the people involved are okay too. Being a bystander to a traumatic event is something that's really difficult to put into words. I can 100% say that I'm not the same person that I was at the beginning of last month, and I'm longing for a time when everything can go back to "normal". Truth be told, given the circumstances, I don't believe that normal as it was in March or even April exists anymore. 

It's rough and my brain feels like solid goop. If my fatigue continues past the next week, I'm going to see a doctor to see if there's any underlying issues going on (potential long COVID symptoms...). When I do feel like my brain is cleared, I just tend to ruminate. As I've noted on Neocities, the silver lining so far (knock on wood) is that my anxiety about certain things tends to dissipate because I'm focused on being in the present moment. I have a really difficult time doing that when my mind is overloaded, as I tend to have anxiety about several things at once. 

I've been using sleep as a method to recouperate. If I'm not sleeping, I'm probably doing low energy things such as watching YouTube or watching movies. I want to work my way up to walking around the town again. Last week, I took a nice walk around town and it was really restorative. I miss doing that. I hope to get back to doing that soon! My legs felt like heavyweights for a good day afterward however, so I'm taking it a bit easier. Not easy for a woman that loves nature, but I'm listening to my body. I'm also making sure to hydrate with water and hydration drinks too. Depression causes a lot of mental fog, so I'm treating myself as though I have the flu to a degree. Hoping that things go back to a sense of normal soon! I am hoping as my brain fog calms down a bit, I can do things like update parts of my Neocities and also go back to forming new friendships. I have a hangout with someone that I don't really talk to as much but still think is cool tomorrow, and I hope that we have fun! 

I plan on playing Mario Party or doing a short walk around town if they're up for it.  I hope everyone reading this is doing well!